I've found that without small goals, I flounder. Actually, I really shouldn't blame a lack of goals for my lack of motivation. The fact is, as much as I would love to be a great writer and have a passion and drive for writing that consumes my thoughts all day, every day, I just don't seem to have that. But I did once. It's why I chose to study journalism. I remember being in highschool and thinking about what I wanted to do with my life, what I'd like to be. I considered my skills, as students are often encouraged to do. I considered what I'm good at and what I like, which strangely enough don't always correspond. I remember some students who were incredible with maths in high school, they were so talented but so many of them would shock me by saying that they didn't enjoy it at all. For me, I was always very good at business. I found it so simple and so logical and everything about it made sense and just seemed to click with me. But I was also good at english. I was always in the top of the class (not the very top but still quite good) and I loved gaining recognition for it. While I would quietly sit in class trying to project an 'oh how embarassing' attitude, inside I was beaming to hear my english teachers reading my work aloud and trying to teach the students to write in the same clear and concise manner that I had in my prose. I enjoyed hearing praise from my business management classes as well but never quite so much as in my english class. There was something special about working hard and thriving and recieving recognition from it. And of course there was the flow on affect; the more recognition I received, the harder I tried, the better I became and so on. When I considered my options of working in business or in some english related field, the decision was easy. I couldn't imagine any career where I wouldn't write all of the time. And that's how I fell into journalism. But then came Uni and I think I can pin it down to my first journalism class where I first felt the sting of being mediocre. In highschool you are a shinning star in an otherwise starless sky. In uni, you become one star in the very star filled milky way. I received no positive recognition, in fact I received quite poor responses to my work. Encouragment was few and far between because in uni you don't have your favourite teaching rooting for you and feeding your ego along the way, everyone is out for themselves and if you flail, then you flail alone and there's noone there to pick you up. I began to feel inadequate and talentless. I would compare myself to my pupils who all seemed to understand and grasp the coursework so easily and execute it so incredibly well and I was so...average. It's only now that I've begun to realise that I've relied on others to encourage me for so long that I've never relied on myself to help me along my way. It's time to grow some self belief and try harder. I want to channel that 17 year old girl who'd get back her graded essay, see an A+ and positive comments and glow with pride. But I won't have that graded essay with encouraging words to keep me going, I only have me and I truly want that to be enough.